WINTER

Last year as winter set in, it reigned in my soul. This year, I find I am free. You would think I would be happy, and I am. But in a way I am not. Below is a small portion of how I felt last year.

I am in winter.

Winter’s in the air. Winter’s in my soul.

In past years I have heard the words of Silent Night or Little Town of Bethlehem and cannot stop the tears. This season I hear them and their warming rays are not able to penetrate my frozen and cold heart.

I am in Winter. Cold blasts surround me and keep my heart frozen. Music, the kindness of friends and the beauty of God’s earth are streams of heat, but they too aren’t able to melt the ice encircling my heart.

An arctic blast of cold, troubles, only add to the fortress that makes my heart impenetrable.

The only One who can melt this heart of mine is with me and has told me in time I will feel again. Just not today. We walk this road together. I am assured that He is with me. I do not feel Him, but I know He is there. He is my Comfort and my Strength.

This peculiar heart of mine does not act like a normal heart. I can see a leaf caught on a breeze fall slowly to the earth and bawl like a baby. I can hear of a child who lost his battle with pneumonia and not shed a tear. I am in unfamiliar territory.

My God has walked this road. He is guiding me. I must trust for I can no longer see the path. I have heard of people that never quite recover from a freeze. I wonder if I am one of them. Every month as the date of the day of loss comes, tears follow me everywhere I go. Sobs catch in my throat and my shoulders shake with the burden of, “it’s never going to be the same.”

But when that day ends, I am frozen once again. Like an addict, I don’t want to recover. I cringe for the day when I no longer weep. I do not want these days to end as well as I can’t allow them to remain. I am caught in Winter.  

  

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth. John 4:24